Ilia English Oracle

Blonde Logic

2007-09-26T22:47:00.000-07:00

Blonde LOGIC

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away.......... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooo, can you see Florida ...???"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.? After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde? on the opposite bank.

"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me!"

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said.? "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL? OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like? that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

داوینچی و شام آخر

2007-07-17T22:25:00.001-07:00

لئوناردو داوینچی موقع کشیدن تابلو "شام آخر" دچار مشکل بزرگی شد:

می بایست "نیکی" را به شکل عیسی" و "بدی" را به شکل "یهودا" یکی از یاران عیسی که هنگام شام تصمیم گرفت به او خیانت کند، تصویر می کرد.کار را نیمه تمام رها کرد تا مدل های آرمانی اش را پیدا کند.

روزی دریک مراسم همسرایی, تصویر کامل مسیح را در چهرة یکی از جوانان همسرا یافت.

جوان را به کارگاهش دعوت کرد و از چهره اش اتودها و طرح هایی برداشت. سه سال گذشت.

تابلو شام آخر تقریباً تمام شده بود ؛ اما داوینچی هنوز بری یهودا مدل مناسبی پیدا نکرده بود…کاردینال مسئول کلیسا کم کم به او فشار می آورد که نقاشی دیواری را زودتر تمام کند.

نقاش پس از روزها جست و جو , جوان شکسته و ژنده پوش مستی را در جوی آبی یافت. به زحمت از دستیارانش خواست او را تا کلیسا بیاورند , چون دیگر فرصتی بری طرح برداشتن از او نداشت.

گدا را که درست نمی فهمید چه خبر است به کلیسا آوردند، دستیاران سرپا نگه اش داشتند و در همان وضع داوینچی از خطوط بی تقوایی، گناه و خودپرستی که به خوبی بر آن چهره نقش بسته بودند، نسخه برداری کرد.

وقتی کارش تمام شد گدا، که دیگر مستی کمی از سرش پریده بود، چشمهایش را باز کرد و نقاشی پیش رویش را دید، و با آمیزه ای از شگفتی و اندوه گفت: "من این تابلو را قبلاً دیده ام!"

داوینچی شگفت زده پرسید: کی؟!

گدا گفت: سه سال قبل، پیش از آنکه همه چیزم را از دست بدهم. موقعی که در یک گروه همسرایی آواز می خواندم , زندگی پراز رویایی داشتم، هنرمندی از من دعوت کرد تا مدل نقاشی چهرة عیسی بشوم!"

می توان گفت: نیکی و بدی یک چهره دارند ؛ همه چیز به این بسته است که هر کدام کی سر راه انسان قرار بگیرند.

SLOW FOOD

2007-07-17T22:18:00.000-07:00

١٨ سال پيش من در شرکت سوئدى ولوو استخدام شدم. کار کردن در اين شرکت تجربه جالبى براى من به وجود آورده است. اينجا هر پروژه‌اى حداقل ٢ سال طول مي‌کشد تا نهايى شود، حتى اگر ايده ساده و واضحى باشد. اين قانون اينجاست. جهانى شدن (globalization) باعث شده است که همه ما در جستجوى نتايج فورى و آنى باشيم. و اين مشخصاً با حرکت کند سوئدي‌ها در تناقض است. آن‌ها معمولاً تعداد زيادى جلسه برگزار مي‌کنند، بحث مي‌کنند، بحث مي‌کنند، بحث مي‌کنند و خيلى به آرامى کارى را پيش مي‌برند. ولى در انتها، اين شيوه هميشه به نتايج بهترى می ‌انجامد. به عبارت ديگر:
سوئد در حدود 450000 کيلومتر مربع وسعت دارد.
سوئد حدود 9 ميليون جمعيت دارد.
استكهلم، پايتخت سوئد كه به پايتخت اسكانديناوي نيز مشهور است حدود 78000 نفر جمعيت دارد.
ولوو، اسکانيا، ساب، الکترولوکس و اريکسون برخى از شرکت‌هاى توليدى سوئد هستند.

اولين روزهايي كه در سوئد بودم، يکى از همکارانم هر روز صبح با ماشينش مرا از هتل برمي‌داشت و به محل کار مي‌برد. ماه سپتامبر بود و هوا کمى سرد و برفى. ما صبح‌ها زود به کارخانه مي‌رسيديم و همکارم ماشينش را در نقطه دورى نسبت به ورودى ساختمان پارک مي‌کرد. در آن زمان، ٢٠٠٠ کارمند ولوو با ماشين شخصى به سر کار مي‌آمدند.
روز اول، من چيزى نگفتم، همين طور روز دوم و سوم. روز چهارم به همکارم گفتم: آيا جاى پارک ثابتى داري؟ چرا ماشينت را اين قدر دور از در ورودى پارک مي‌کنى در حالى که جلوتر هم جاى پارک هست؟
او در جواب گفت: براى اين که ما زود مي‌رسيم و وقت براى پياده‌رفتن داريم. اين جاها را بايد براى کسانى بگذاريم که ديرتر مي‌رسند و احتياج به جاى پارکى نزديک‌تر به در ورودى دارند تا به موقع به سرکارشان برسند. تو اين طور فکر نمي‌کني؟
ميزان شرمندگى مرا خودتان حدس بزنيد.

اين روزها، جنبشى در اروپا راه افتاده به نام غذاى آهسته (Slow Food). اين جنبش مي‌گويد که مردم بايد به آهستگى بخورند و بياشامند، وقت کافى براى چشيدن غذايشان داشته باشند، و بدون هرگونه عجله و شتابى با افراد خانواده و دوستانشان وقت بگذرانند. غذاى آهسته در نقطه مقابل غذاى سريع (Fast Food) و الزاماتى که در سبک زندگى به همراه دارد قرار مي‌گيرد. غذاى آهسته پايه جنبش بزرگترى است که توسط مجله بيزنس طرح شده و يک "اروپاى آهسته" ناميده شده است. اين جنبش اساساً حس شتاب و ديوانگي به وجود آمده بر اثر نهضت جهانى شدن را زير سوال مي‌برد. نهضتى که کميّت را جايگزين کيفيت در همه شئون زندگى ما کرده است.
مردم فرانسه با وجودى که ٣٥ ساعت در هفته کار مي‌کنند امّا از آمريکائي‌ها و انگليسي‌ها مولّدترند. آلماني‌ها ساعت کار هفتگى را به 28/8 ساعت تقليل داده‌اند و مشاهده کرده‌اند که بهره‌ورى و قدرت توليدشان ٢٠درصد افزايش يافته است. اين گرايش به آهستگى و کندکردن جريان شتاب آلود زندگى، حتى نظر آمريکائي‌ها را هم جلب کرده است.

البته اين گرايش به عدم شتاب، به معنى کمتر کار کردن يا بهره‌ورى کمتر نيست. بلکه به معنى انجام کارها با کيفيت، بهره‌ورى و کمال بيشتر، با توجه بيشتر به جزئيات و با استرس کمتر است. به معنى برقرارى مجدّد ارزش‌هاى خانوادگى و به دست آوردن زمان آزاد و فراغت بيشتر است.
به معنى چسبيدن به حال در مقابل آينده نامعلوم و تعريف نشده است. به معنى بها دادن به يکى از اساسي‌ترين ارزش‌هاى انسانى يعنى ساده زندگى کردن است. هدف جنبش آهستگى، محيط‌هاى کارى کم تنش‌تر، شادتر و مولّدترى است که در آن‌، انسان‌ها از انجام دادن کارى که چگونگى انجام دادنش را به خوبى بلدند، لذت مي‌برند. اکنون زمان آن فرا رسيده است که توقف کنيم و درباره اين که چگونه شرکت‌ها به توليد محصولاتى با کيفيت بهتر، در يک محيط آرامتر و بي‌شتاب و با بهره‌ورى بيشتر نياز دارند، فکر کنيم.

بسيارى از ما زندگى خود را به دويدن در پشت سر زمان مي‌گذرانيم امّا تنها هنگامى به آن مي‌رسيم که بر اثر سکته قلبى يا در يک تصادف رانندگى به خاطر عجله براى سر وقت رسيدن به سر قرارى، بميريم.

بسيارى از ما آنقدر نگران و مضطرب زندگى خود در آينده هستيم که زندگى خود در حال حاضر، يعنى تنها زمانى که واقعاً وجود دارد را فراموش مي‌کنيم.

همه ما در سراسر جهان، زمان برابرى در اختيار داريم. هيچکس بيشتر يا کمتر ندارد. تفاوت در اين است که هر يک از ما با زمانى که در اختيار داريم چکار مي‌کنيم. ما نياز داريم که هر لحظه را زندگى کنيم. به گفته جان ‌لنون، خواننده معروف: زندگى آن چيزى است که براى تو اتفاق مي‌افتد، در حالى که تو سرگرم برنامه‌ريزي‌هاى ديگرى هستى.

به شما به خاطر اين که تا پايان اين مطلب را خوانديد تبريک مي‌گوئيم. بسيارى هستند که براى هدر ندادن زمان، از وسط مطلب آن را رها مي‌کنند تا از قافله جهانى شدن عقب نمانند!
با تشکر از گروه روزنه

Meanings of ...

2007-06-16T00:45:00.000-07:00

Do you know what is family?

Do you really understand what is behind the word family?

It gives me a shock when I know the answer.

So long I never realize I don't know the real

Meaning of family...... ....

Here Is The Answer ........... FAMILY =

(F)ather

(A)nd

(M)other

(I)

(L)ove

(Y)ou
WHY does a man want to have a WIFE? Because:

(W)ashing

(I)roning

(F)ood

(E)ntertainment

WHY does a woman want to have a HUSBAND?

because:

(H)ousing

(U)nderstanding

(S)haring

(B)uying

(A)nd

(N)ever

(D)emanding

Do you know that a simple "HELLO" can be a sweet one?

Especially from your love one. (I mean not only from theboyfriend/girlfrien d).

The word HELLO means :

(H)ow are you?

(E)verything all right?

(L)ike to hear from you

(L)ove to see you soon!

(O)bviously, I miss you

4 Things Which Cannot Be Recovered

2007-06-16T00:44:00.000-07:00

A beautiful young woman was waiting for her flight in the airport lounge. She would need to wait many hours; she decided to buy a book to spend her time. She also bought a packet of cookies. She sat down in an armchair, in the VIP room of the airport, to rest and read in peace.
Beside the armchair where the packet of cookies lay, a man sat down in the next seat, opened his magazine and started reading.
When she took out the first cookie, the man took one also. She felt irritated but said nothing. She just thought: “What a nerve! If I was in the mood I would punch him for daring!” For each cookie she took, the man took one too. This was infuriating her but she didn’t want to cause a scene.
When only one cookie remained, she thought: “ah... What this abusive man do now?”
Then, the man, taking the last cookie, divided it into half, giving her one half. Ah! That was too much! She was much too angry now!
In a huff, she took her book, her things and stormed to the boarding place.When she sat down in her seat, inside the plane, she looked into her purse to take her eyeglasses, and, to her surprise, her packet of cookies was there, untouched, unopened! She felt so ashamed!! She realized that she was wrong... She had forgotten that her cookies were kept in her purse.
The man had divided his cookies with her, without feeling angered or bitter. ...while she had been very angry, thinking that she was dividing her cookies with him .And now there was no chance to explain herself...nor to apologize.” There are 4 things that cannot be recovered:
The stone... ...after the throw!
The word... palavra... ...after it’s said!
The occasion.... after the loss!
and...The time.....after it’s gone!

The Donkey Attitude

2007-06-13T05:11:00.000-07:00

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, Everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Senior Driving

2007-04-22T23:50:00.000-07:00

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Supersex

2007-04-22T23:48:00.000-07:00

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!!!

2007-04-22T23:44:00.000-07:00

"Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

Iranina Community in U.S.

2007-04-13T21:55:00.000-07:00

Research results on the Iranian American community conducted under MIT.Another reason it's important to proudly identify ourselves as Iranians. This type of research results has profound effect on funding for cultural, social, educational and political inititives. By Phyllis McIntoshWashington File Special Correspondent Washington

-- Iranian-Americans are more numerous in the United States than census data indicate and are among the most highly educated and prosperous people in the country, according to research by the MIT Studies Group, an independent academic organization, at Massachusetts Institute of Technology (M IT). The group estimates that the actual number of Iranian-Americans may top 691,000 -- more than twice the figure of 338,000 cited in the 2000 U.S. census.

According to the latest census data available, more than one in four Iranian-Americans holds a master's or doctoral degree, the highest rate among any of the 67 largest ethnic groups studied from Europe, Former Soviet Union, Asia, Australia, South and Latin America. With their high level of educational attainment and a median family income 20 percent higher than the national US average, Iranian-Americans contribute substantially to the U.S. economy. Through surveys of Fortune 500 companies and other major corporations, the researchers identified more than 50 Iranian-Americans in senior leadership positions at companies with more than $200 million in asset value, including General Electric, AT&T, Verizon, Intel, Cisco, Motorola, Oracle, Nortel Networks, Lucent Technologies, and eBay.

Fortune magazine ranks Iranian Born Pierre Omidyar, founder and chairman of the board of eBay, the wildly popular online auction company, as the second richest American entrepreneur under age 40 with an estimated wealth of over seven billion dollars. Iranian-Americans are also prominent in academia. According to a preliminary list compiled by ISG, there are more than 500 Iranian-American professors teaching and doing advanced research at top-ranked U.S. universities, including MIT, Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Carnegie Mellon, the University of California system (Berkeley, UCLA, etc.), Stanford, the University of Southern California, Georgia Tech, University of Wisconsin, University of Michigan, University of Illinois, University of Maryland, California Institute of Technology, Boston University, George Washington University, and hundreds of other universities and colleges throughout the United States.

Iranians have achieved a high level of success in the United States because unlike many immigrants, most left their homeland for social, political, or religious reasons, rather than in search of economic opportunity. The two large waves of immigrants who came to the United States because of the 1979 revolution in Iran consisted mainly of people with education and assets, he notes. "These were people who could make it to the U.S. and sustain themselves in the U.S. It was a pre-selection, not your typical immigration where people come mainly for financial reasons," he said. In another recently issued report, the Iranian Studies Group has undertaken the mission of convincing Iranian-Americans to become more active participants in the American political process. According to surveys in some major cities, fewer than 10 percent voted in the last presidential election. The report cites the experiences of other ethnic groups, such as Israeli-Americans, Arab-Americans, and Cuban-Americans, to show how Iranians could use their collective voice to influence U.S. foreign policy regarding Iran and address the needs of the Iranian-American community.

JESUS

2007-04-13T21:51:00.000-07:00

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
- HE NEVER GOT MARRIED
- HE NEVER HELD A STEADY JOB
- HIS LAST REQUEST WAS A DRINK

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
- HIS FIRST NAME WAS JESUS
- HE WAS ALWAYS IN TROUBLE WITH THE LAW
- HIS MOTHER DIDN'T KNOW WHO HIS FATHER WAS

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
- HE TALKED WITH HIS HANDS
- HE HAD WINE WITH EVERY MEAL
- HE WORKED IN THE BUILDING TRADES

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
- HE CALLED EVERYBODY BROTHER
- HE HAD NO PERMANENT ADDRESS
- NOBODY WOULD HIRE HIM

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
- HE NEVER CUT HIS HAIR
- HE WALKED AROUND BAREFOOT
- HE INVENTED A NEW RELIGION

AND FINALLY, THE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS IRANIAN:
- HE WENT INTO HIS FATHER'S BUSINESS
- HE LIVED AT HOME UNTIL THE AGE OF 33
- HE WAS SURE HIS MOTHER WAS A VIRGIN,
- AND HIS MOTHER WAS SURE HE WAS GOD

300

2007-04-03T22:19:00.000-07:00

To download the anti-Persian Movie "300" please click on the following link:

http://www.parsi-soft.com/ftopicp-15858.html

100 Kisses

2007-03-24T23:14:00.001-07:00

One person wrote a letter to his wife,

Dear Sweet Heart
I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.
Yours Hubby (LOVE)

His wife replied back after some days to her husband:
Dearest Hubby (LOVE)
Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details..

1. Milk man was agreed on 2 kisses
2. Teacher agreed on 7 kisses
3. Our house owner is coming every day and taking
two or three kisses of mine.
4. Vegetable and food shop keeper was not agreeing
with kisses only, so I have given some other items to
him......... ..
5. Others 40 kisses

Please don't worry for me, I have balance 35 kisses and I hope I can complete this month.
Shall I plan same way for next months, Please advise .

Top Ten Reasons Studying is Better Than Sex...

2007-03-24T23:09:00.000-07:00

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off. 8. You can finish early with-out feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it. 6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't

2007-03-24T23:08:00.000-07:00

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He's one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND.. .

2007-03-24T23:07:00.000-07:00

10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
1. OTHER WOMEN

Video of Saddam Hussein being executed

2007-01-03T23:27:00.000-08:00


Originally posted as a link on the Something Awful forums, I saved and uploaded it to google video before it died.

Dinner Party

2006-11-01T22:46:00.000-08:00

George W. Bush and Tony Blair are at a White House dinner.
One of the guests walks over to them and asks what they're discussing.
"We are making up the plans for World War III", says Bush.
"Wow", says the guest.
"And what are the plans?"
"We're gonna kill 2 billion Muslims and one dentist",answers Bush.
The guest looks to be a bit confused. "One...dentist?" He says. "Why will you kill one dentist?" Blair pats Bush on the shoulder and says, "What did I tell you? Nobody is gonna ask about the Muslims."

How A History Teacher Explains This?

2006-11-01T22:41:00.000-08:00

*Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
*Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
*Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
*Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. *Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
*Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Now it gets really weird.
*Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .
*Both were assassinated by Southerners.
*Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
*Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln , was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
*John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln , was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
*Both assassins were known by their three names.
*Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
*Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.' Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford.'
*Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse. Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.
*Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker...
*A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , MarylandA week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

2006-11-01T22:38:00.000-08:00

I dreamed I had an interview with God.

*So you would like to interview me? God asked.
-If you have the time? I said.
*God smiled. My time is eternity.What questions do you have in mind for me?
-What surprises you most about humankind?
*God answered... That they get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again.That they lose their health to make money...and then lose their money to restore their health. That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live in neither the present nor the future. That they live as if they will never die, and die as though they had never lived. We were silent for a while.
-And then I asked.As a parent, what are some of life's lessons you want your children to learn. *To learn they cannot make anyone love them.All they can do is let themselves be loved. To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others. To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness .To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in those they love ,and it can take many years to heal them. To learn that a rich person is not one who has the most, but is one who needs the least. To learn that there are people who love them dearly, but simply have not yet learned how to express or show their feelings. To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it differently ? To learn that it is not enough that they forgive one another, but they must also forgive themselves.
-Thank you for your time," I said. Is there anything else you would like your children to know?" *God smiled and said, Just know that I am here... always.

The Cabbie and the Nun

2006-11-01T22:28:00.000-08:00

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.
The cab driver is very excited and says,"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

THE ZIPPER

2006-09-20T22:30:00.000-07:00

A BOSS WALKED INTO THE OFFICE ONE MORNING NOT KNOWING THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS DOWN AND HIS FLY AREA IS WIDE OPEN.HIS SECRETARY WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID "BOSS THIS MORNING WHEN YOU LEFT YOUR HOUSE, DID YOU CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR?" THIS WAS NOT A PHRASE THAT HER BOSS UNDERSTOOD, SO HE WENT INTO HIS OFFICE LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED.

WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE WITH HIS PAPERWORK, HE SUDDENLY NOTICED THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS NOT ZIPPED UP. HE ZIPPED UP AND REMEMBERING WHAT HIS SECRETARY HAD TOLD HIM, FINALLY UNDERSTOOD.

THEN HE INTENTIONALLY WENT OUT TO ASK FOR A CUP OF COFFEE FROM HIS SECRETARY.WHEN HE REACHED HER DESK, HE SAID "WHEN YOU SAW THE GARAGE DOOR OPEN DID YOU SEE MY MERCEDES PARKED IN THERE?"

THE SECRETARY SMILED FOR A MOMENT AND SAID "NO BOSS I DIDN'T, ALL I SAW WAS A MINI COOPER WITH 2 FLAT TIRES"

Boy's Adult Question

2006-09-17T23:49:00.000-07:00

One day, a young boy was puzzled by one question in a paper that the teacher gave him. The boy finally took the paper to the living room where both his parents were watching television.

He went up to them and asked "Ma and Pa, What do you mean by sex?"
Taken aback by this question, both the parents make the boy sit by their side and the dad said "its time for you to know son". Then both the parents started to explain all about sex from A to Z.

Finally when they have finished, the boy looked even more puzzled asked them "OK Dad. But how do I write such a long story in this little space?
Saying this he handed his parents the application form that says : Sex M/F?

Q & A

2006-09-17T23:11:00.000-07:00

Q. What is the difference between 'tell', 'say', and 'speak'?

A. It's not surprising that we find these confusing because as far as meaning goes these three words mean more or less the same thing. It's more a question of how we use them, of patterns of use.

With 'tell' we usually say who is told. You could say there is a personal object, so: 'Can you tell me what's happened?' We say, 'me'.
With 'say' we don't usually say who is told. So you might say 'please say each word clearly and distinctly'. And if we do say who is told, we use the word 'to', so: 'He said goodbye to me as if we would never see one another again'.
Now... There's another limit on the usage of 'tell'. We only use 'tell' to mean instruct or inform. 'I told him to wait for me on the platform'... that's an instruction. "My father used to tell me wonderful stories" - informing me. 'Say' can be used for any kind of talking.
So here are three sentences where you could not use 'tell': She said 'Where have you been?' So I said what a good idea. Maureen said 'What's the matter?' We use 'tell' without a personal object in a few expressions, that are kind of fixed expressions like tell the truth, tell the time and tell the difference.
And we use 'say' before words like a word, a name, or a sentence. An example would be: 'Don't say a word.' That's 'tell' and 'say'. You also asked about 'speak'.

We use 'speak' to mean 'talk formally', and when we do use 'speak', we use the word 'to' if there's a personal object. So you could say, 'I spoke to him severely' or 'She spoke to our teachers' association last year'.
And of course we use it when we're talking about people's language ability: 'Do you speak English?' And you do, and I hope this will help you be happier with the way you speak it.

Technology

2006-09-13T22:10:00.000-07:00

How to make a woman happy?

2006-09-13T22:03:00.000-07:00

How to make a woman happy? It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a carpenter 10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organizer 22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding 35. tolerant 36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous 40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 44. give her compliments regularly 45. love shopping 46. be honest (white lies okay) 47. be very rich 48. not stress her out 49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 53. to never forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY : 1. Feed him 2. F*ck him 3. and Shut the f*ck up.

GODISNOWHERE

2006-09-11T03:58:00.000-07:00

"GOD ISNOWHERE" can be read as "God is no where" or as "God is now here".

Every thing in life depend on how you look at them.

Always look and thing positive.

Some links to watch videos

2006-09-04T23:07:00.000-07:00

http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/1JwtmHDE933261Tnb

Free Download

2006-08-19T06:29:00.000-07:00

Download Free Music, Photos, videos, images, power points, ...... at:

http://mshabanzad.persiangig.com/

http://shabanzad.persiangig.com/

A nice short clip "Kitchen table" at http://mshabanzad.persiangig.com/video

September 11th

2006-08-07T06:12:00.000-07:00

Women are like Internet

2006-08-07T05:57:00.000-07:00

Women Are Like ~> INTERNET

They ENTER Your Life

SCAN Your Pocket

TRANSFER Money

EDIT Your Mind

DOWNLOAD Their Problems

DELETE Your Smile

& HANG U 4ever... !

Just for Ladies

2006-08-01T23:24:00.000-07:00

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....

1. Men are like ...Laxatives... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like…Bananas... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ...Weather… Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ...Blenders… You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like...Chocolate Bars... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...Commercials... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like …Department Stores... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ...Government Bonds... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ...Mascara… They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like …Popcorn.... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like …Snowstorms.... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ...Lava Lamps... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ...Parking Spots… All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Just kidding....we all know we couldn't live without them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And The God Created the Woman

2006-07-31T22:47:00.000-07:00

And The God Created the Woman
و خداوند زن را آفريد

God created Woman out of the left side of man

خداوند زن را از پهلوي چپ مرد آفريد

not from his head to be above him

نه از سر او تا بر او مسلط گردد

not from his foot to be trampled by him

نه از پاي او تا لگد كوب اميال او گردد

but from his side to be equal with him

بلكه از پهلوي او تا برابر او باشد

and from under his arm to be supported by him

و از زير بازوي او تا در حمايت او باشد

and from nearest to his heart

و از نزديكترين نقطه به قلب او

to be loved by him.

تا مورد عشق او باشد

anonymous

ترجمه: دکتر الهی قمشه ای

Life's Lesson

2006-07-04T22:10:00.000-07:00

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by thedoor of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only tenyears and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people,do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-yearlifespan."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty longtime to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into thefield with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves,and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give youa life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixtyyears. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marryand enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty,the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, andthe ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God,"You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoyourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support ourfamily. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain thegrandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch andbark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you ..........

Q & A

2006-06-23T22:15:00.000-07:00

Q. Could you kindly explain what is the difference between interfere and intervene?

A. These two words are similar and yet so different. Both start with 'inter-', meaning 'between'. The difference is in the connotations of the two words. 'Interfere' has very strong negative connotations. There's a wonderful short story by Julian Barnes called 'Interference', in his collection Cross Channel, and the title refers to two types of interference which happen in the story. One type of interference that the title refers to is interference with radio signals - you know, when you're listening to a radio programme and there are other signals and reception is not very good. The other type of interference is the type where people interfere in other people's business, telling them what to do, how to behave, what to eat and so on. If I say to someone, Stop interfering I mean that what I am doing is none of their business. And there's some of that happening in the story too. 'Intervene' has got more positive connotations; it has the connotation of wanting to improve a situation, change things for the better. You intervene between two people in order to prevent a quarrel, for example.

Q. Using 'going to' for the future: Is it more natural to say 'I'm going to go snowboarding' or 'I'm going snowboarding'?

A. What it really depends on is to what extent your plans to go snowboarding are fixed, or not. The present progressive is used for plans and arrangements that are pretty well definite and fixed. So, if I say I am going to the doctor tomorrow, this means that I have an appointment, or that there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I will do this. I am going to go to the doctor tomorrow means that I am planning to do so, I intend to do so - but I am less certain about it. So, in my case, I would say I am flying to Hungary next month because I already have the ticket. But I would say I am going to go to Italy for my summer holiday this year because in fact I've not finalised my plans and may yet change them.

Q. which preposition is the correct one in stating one's place of residence? Is it 'in' or 'at'? For example, do I say I live 'in' Victoria, Gozo or I live 'at' Victoria, Gozo?

A. We use 'at' for a position at a point. So for example, if there was a train line that ran to Victoria and passed Victoria to other places, you would say to your friend 'Get off the train at Victoria'. Also, if we're using the name of a building we tend to use 'at'. So we're doing this recording at Bush House in London - 'at'. We also use 'at' where people work or study when the name of the place is given. So I can say 'I have a cousin who works at the Pentagon,' or 'my daughter is studying at the Institute of Education' - 'at'. We also use 'at' for group activities. So you could say 'I was at a concert, a party, a football match.' The idea we have with 'in' is of a position inside an area or inside a three-dimensional space. So you would say 'in the kitchen, in the woods,' or indeed, 'in Malta'. So you can say 'I live in Victoria' or 'I live in Malta'. I hope that's a help.

Thank you

Q & A

2006-05-08T01:36:00.000-07:00

Q. I would like to know the difference of the words 'maybe', 'perhaps', and 'possibly'? and when to use those words in each situation?

A. Well, all of those words mean more or less the same thing, as I'm sure you know. They all show that something is possible, or might be true. However, the real difference in meaning between them is when we use them and in what context. One is informal, another is neutral and another one is formal. So 'maybe', we can say, is a rather informal word. For example, 'Maybe we'll skip school today.' Or: 'Are you going to Anna's party?' 'Hmmm... maybe.' Getting to the word 'perhaps'... 'Perhaps' is, we could say, more neutral and polite. It's just a neutral way of expressing possibility. For example: 'There were 200, perhaps 250, people at the theatre'. Or: 'Perhaps we should start again.' Now moving on to 'possibly'... 'Possibly' sounds, I think we could say, a bit more formal than either maybe or perhaps, and especially in agreement or disagreement. For example, in answer to the question 'Do you think he will apply for the job?' the answer: 'Hmm. Possibly, possibly not.' Or: 'He may possibly decide to apply for the job.' So, I think that we could sum it up that largely - not every time, but largely - there's a difference in register: 'maybe' is quite informal, 'perhaps' is neutral, and 'possibly' would be a little bit formal.

Mistaken Proxy Father

2006-04-19T01:25:00.000-07:00

Mistaken Proxy Father

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

English Jokes

2006-04-08T00:13:00.000-07:00

Honesty
Teacher: What excuse have you got for being late?John: (breathlessly) I ran so fast, teacher, that I didn't have time to think of one
How Can I?
Wife: Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don't you do that?Husband: How can I? I don't even know her.
Only Five
Father: Have you taken your maths test, son?Son: Taken already.Father: Did you get them all right?Son: Only five wrong.Father: Not bad! By the way, how many sums altogether?Son: Five.
Right And Wrong
Teacher writes a sum, 3 + 7 = 9, on the blackboard.Teacher: Is the sum right?First Student: Wrong.Second Student: Right.First Student: Wrong.Second Student: RightFirst Student: 3 + 7 should be 10 and not 9, right?Second Student: Right.First Student: Then why did you say 3 + 7 is 9 right?Second Student: Because you say it is wrong and I agreed with you.
Dead Body Cycling
During an English lesson, the teacher notices that a boy was not paying attention to him . . . .Teacher: Bobby, join these two sentences together. I was cycling to school. I saw a dead body.Bobby: (thinking for a while) I saw a dead body cycling to school.
The Music
Musician: Is the music sweet?Boy: It's more or less like the one which my father plays.Musician: Is your father a musician?Boy: No, he's a carpenter.
Thief For Thief
One day as a husband was having his tea at home, his wife complained to him . . .Wife: You know dear our new washerwoman stole two of our towels. That crook!Husband: Which towels dear?Wife: The ones we stole from the hotel in Miami Beach.
Better One
Bus Inspector: Where's your ticket?Traveler: I think I have lost it.Bus Inspector: Well, that's not a good excuse.Traveler: Alright. You suggest a better one.
Sign in the Dark
Silvia: Dad, can you write in the dark?Dad: I think so. What do you want me to write? Silvia: Your name on this report card.
Make a Sentence
Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".Ellen: I is... Teacher: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."Ellen: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Keeps Talking
Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?Pupil: A teacher.
Broke Window
A new prisoner comes to a prison cell.Convicts: What has happened with you that you are here?Prisoner: I have broken a window on my job place.Convicts: It's unbelievable! Where did you work?Prisoner: On a submarine.
Where are you from?
Texan: "Where are you from?"Harvard Grad: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." Texan: "OK -- where are you from, jackass?"
DisneyLand
One day, 2 Ah Bengs were driving to Disneyland.As they passed through Anaheim, they saw a sign on the freeway that said Disneyland Left. So they turned around and went home.
Windows Crash
If Bill Gate's had a penny for every time Windows crashed....... Forget it. He does.
Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.
Free From Cholesterol
Banta Singh rushed back angrily to the grocery shop from where he had purchased a packet of butter a few minutes ago.
"Where is my free gift?" he shouted at the shopkeeper. "But Sir, there is no free gift on the purchase of butter." The shopkeeper answered politely.
"Don't fool me," replied Banta, "it is clearly written on the packet of the butter 'Cholesterol free'".
Skin and Bones
Diner: Waiter, look at this chicken, nothing but skin and bones.Waiter: What else do u want, feathers?Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?
Be careful what you ask for
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates. Fifty dollars for three questions, replied the lawyer.
''Isn't that awfully steep?'', asked the man.
World Cup
''Yes'', the lawyer replied, ''and what was your third question?''
Two ants are playing football in a saucer. One says to the other "Hey, you're really good at this"."Yes I know, I'm playing in the cup next week!"
Taking Doubles
Once a fat man stepped on to a weighing machine. He put a ten-cent coin into the slot. Out came a card with the printed words," One by one, please."
My Backside
An old woman went up a bus and asked the conductor . . . .Old woman: Where is this place?Conductor: This is Toa Payoh.Later she poked her umbrella at the conductor's back . . . .Old Woman: Where is this place?Conductor: This is my backside.
A Bed For Mother
Mother's day was coming . . . John: Mary, what shall we get for mother on Mother's Day?Mary: A bed.John: Why?Mary: All of us have nice beds to sleep on but poor mother has to share one with father.
Shoes Round The Neck?
Customer: How much is that tie?Salesman: Three dollars.Customer: What! I can buy a pair of shoes for three dollars!Salesman: Yes. But who would want to wear a pair of shoes round the neck?
Weird Fact
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet (developed by Western Union to test telecommunications)
I'm Sick
One day Hamid felt very sick and he went to the hospital . . . .Nurse: Hamid, the doctor is here to see you.Hamid: Tell him, I can't see him. I'm sick.
The Smallest Words
One boy wanted to have his eyes tested, so he went to an optician. Here is how it goes . . .Optician: OK boy, sit down please. Can you see the smallest words on the board.Boy: Yeah, the smallest words on the board are "Made in Great Britain".
Drive Me Back
Taxi Driver: That will be 80 cents please, Madam.Lady: I have only 50 cents. Can you drive me back a little?
Pirate's Rating
What did the pirate rate the movie?ARGH!!
America's Discoverer
Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America.George: Here it is!Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?Class: George!
Coincidence
Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?" Johnny: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and same time."
Saying Prayers
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating? Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
Forgetter
An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist. 'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.' 'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist. 'How long has what been going on?' said the man.
Egypt
Son: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt? Father: No. Why do you ask that? Son: Well, where did you get mummy then?
Bush's Doctor Visit
Bush got something wrong with his brain and he went to see a doctor. After medical examination, the doctor told him: "Your brain has two parts: one is left, and another is right. Your left brain has nothing right. Your right brain has nothing left."
Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Absence
MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
JOHNNY: Because of absence.
MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
JOHNNY: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
Delayed Hamburger
A customer went to snack bar and ordered a hamburger. When 20 minutes had gone and his food hadn't arrived, the irritated customer asked the waiter.Customer: Will my hamburger be long?Waiter: No, sir...it will be round.
Tits on Back
A camel and an elephant met, and the elephant asked: "Why do you have your tits on your back?"The camel responded: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face!"
Disobedient Yourself
While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make Clockwise circles. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction and there's nothing you can do about it. Number '0' too.

Subjunctive in English

2006-03-24T22:09:00.000-08:00

In fact native speakers use the subjunctive in English less and less. But in the past they used it much more to talk about possible, desirable or imaginary situations. These days they are more likely to use modal verbs such as 'should' or 'would'.
However, we can still use the subjunctive in certain situations:

Firstly, it is sometimes used in 'that' clauses after certain words (e.g. suggest, recommend, advise, insist) to express the idea that something is necessary or important. For example:
I recommend that he begin a course of treatment immediately.
The judge insisted that she give evidence in court.

Now this use is more common in American English than it is British English. We can also use the subjunctive of the verb 'be' after 'if' or 'I wish' with 'I' and 'he/she/it'. For example:
I wish I were young again.
If I were you, I'd use it while you have the chance.

And finally, we still use subjunctive forms in certain fixed expressions, for example:
God save the Queen.
Be that as it may, we must make savings.
If he decides to leave me, well so be it.

Q & A

2006-03-24T21:44:00.000-08:00

Q.I have a little question about though. I'm not sure of its many meanings. Sometimes it is in the middle of a sentence and sometimes at the end of a sentence and I get confused.

you can put though at the beginning, in the middle and at the end of sentences. We can use though, and although, or even though at the beginning of a subordinate clause to mark a contrast with the idea in the main clause. For example: 'Even though he didn't have much time, he stopped to help the old lady.' We can change the order of the two clauses and say: 'He stopped to help the old lady, even though he didn't have much time.' In these examples, though means 'despite the fact that'. We can also put though at the end of the contrasting clause. For example: 'I still find English hard to understand; I can understand more than last year, though!' When placed at the end of a sentence like this, though means 'nevertheless' or 'however'.

Q.What is the difference between hear and listen? This question has been confusing me for some time.

We use hear for sounds that come to our ears, without us necessarily trying to hear them! For example, 'They heard a strange noise in the middle of the night.' Listen is used to describe paying attention to sounds that are going on. For example, 'Last night, I listened to my new Mariah Carey CD.' So, you can hear something without wanting to, but you can only listen to something intentionally. An imaginary conversation between a couple might go: 'Did you hear what I just said?' 'No, sorry, darling, I wasn't listening.'

Q: Could you tell me the difference between "satisfying" and "satisfactory"?

"Satisfactory" means that something is adequate, or acceptable. Whereas "satisfying" means that something meets your needs or requirements and has positive associations. So what would be the difference between a "satisfactory" meal and a "satisfying" one? In the first case the meal was ok, in the second case it was one that you enjoyed. So generally we prefer to have "satisfying" experiences to "satisfactory" ones.

Q: I would like to know if there is any serious stylistic difference between 'I shall' and 'I will' in the future simple tense, and if 'I will' is, for example, unacceptable in a particular society, and if 'I will' can be considered as a mistake in an exam.

The first thing I want to say is I wouldn't worry about trying to use 'shall' rather than 'will'. I can think of no social situations where using 'will' instead of 'shall' would cause social offence. In fact, in modern English, 'shall' is rarely used in American English and only in specific situations in British English. 'Will' is the dominant form today. So when giving information about the future and making predictions, we can use either 'shall' or 'will' with the 'I' and 'we' forms. So we can say either, 'I shall be ready at 8 o'clock' or 'I will be ready at 8 o'clock'. In both cases the contracted form is 'I'll'. We would normally use 'will' with 'you', 'he', 'she', 'it' and 'they'. For example, 'Tomorrow it will be cold and foggy with light showers in the east.'

Q: Please, I want to improve my English. How can I do it?

It's hard to give specific advice without knowing more about you so I'm going to give you some general advice which will maybe be of interest to other listeners and readers.
Point 1
Be clear about why you want to learn English. Do you want it for your job, to help you get a job, to talk to English speakers, to help you study?
Point 2
Be clear about how good you want your English to be. How good do you want to be at speaking English, listening, reading, writing?
Point 3
Have a clear image of yourself when you have achieved the proficiency that you want. What will you see, what will you hear, how will you feel?
Point 4
If possible, enrol on a language course. If you can't, put yourself in situations where you can use English which leads on to ......
Point 5
Look for opportunities to learn and use English. Speak English whenever you can. Listen to the radio and CDs in English, read and write in English. If you look for opportunities, you will find them.
Point 6
Write down new words and phrases in a notebook. Keep the notebook with you so you can look at it when you have a spare moment.
Point 7
Practise, practise, practise. There's an expression in English. If you don't want to lose it, use it. This is very true when it comes to learning foreign languages.
Point 8
Find a learning buddy or colleague. Find someone you can learn English with. Speak with each other. Send each other messages in English.
Point 9
Learn little and often. Make it a habit to learn English ten minutes each day. This is much better than learning for longer once a week. And the final point: At the beginning of a learning period, ask yourself, "What do I want to learn today?" At the end of a period, ask yoursef, "What have I learnt today?" There's a story about a teacher who told his students, ?You know you're making progress in English when you speak in English, think in English, and dream in English. One day a student came into the class very excited and said, "Teacher, Teacher, last night I dreamt in English." The teacher said, "That's wonderful. What did you dream about?" And the student said, "I don't know, it was in English."

Q: What is the difference between inquire and enquire?

A: There is a very simple answer here - there is no difference in meaning. The spelling with 'e' is British, the spelling with 'i' is North American. The same goes for the nouns, 'inquiry' and 'enquiry'. There are of course other differences in spelling between American and British English. The most common ones are words that end with 'our' in British English and are spelled 'or' in American English - labour (labor), honour (honor), and so on. Another common difference is words that end in 're' in British English and are spelled with 'er' in American English- theatre, centre. And finally, words that end with - 'ize' in American English and are often spelled with - 'ise' in British English - sympathise, criticise, and so on. Luckily, my spell checker accepts both!

Q: What's the difference between "should have" and "must have" ?

'Should have' is used to talk about past events which did not happen or may not have happened.
For example: I should have finished this work by now OR I should have studied harder for my exams. In both the sentences above, the speaker might be expressing regret and/or criticism for not having done something. We also use should have to express unfulfilled obligations, for example: He should have helped his mother carry the shopping.
Now 'must have' is used to express something that the speaker has deduced or is certain about in relation to the past.
For example, if you wake up in the morning and you see the ground is wet outside, you might say: "It must have rained overnight".
So let's look at a sentence with both should have and must have in it... Jane should have arrived by now; she must have missed the bus". In this situation, we would expect Jane to have arrived by now, but as she hasn't, we come to the conclusion that her lateness is due her having missed the bus.

Movie Scripts

2006-03-08T23:23:00.000-08:00

Newest Releases:
http://www.imsdb.com/

http://www.movie-page.com/movie_scripts.htm

http://www.script-o-rama.com/table.shtml

Phrases and Their Origins

2006-02-28T22:34:00.000-08:00

Every week I try to bring up some phrases and their origins for your reference:

Balls to the wall
Meaning:
To push to the limit, go all out, full speed.
Example:
If you study balls to the wall from now on, you just might pass your algebra class.
Origin:
A very colorful phrase, one needs to be careful when using "balls to the wall". Although its real origin is very benign, most people assume it is a reference to testicles.
In fact it is from fighter planes. The "balls" are knobs atop the plane's throttle control. Pushing the throttle all the way forward, to the wall of the cockpit, is to apply full throttle.
Alternatively,
Early railroad locomotives were powered by steam engines. Those engines typically had a mechanical governor. These governors consisted of two weighted steel balls mounted at the ends of two arms, jointed and attached to the end of a vertical shaft that was connected to the interior of the engine. The entire assembly is encased in a housing.
The shafts and the weighted balls rotate at a rate driven by the engine speed. As engine speed increases, the assembly rotates at a faster speed and centrifugal force causes the weighted balls to hinge upward on the arms.
At maximum engine speed - controlled by these governors - centrifugal force causes the two weighted balls to rotate with their connecting shafts parallel to the ground and thereby nearly touching the sides - the walls - of their metal housing.
So, an engineer driving his steam locomotive at full throttle was going "balls to the wall". The expression came to be used commonly to describe something going full speed.
Thanks to Virgil Jose
This may also be an example of rhyming slang.
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Flying by the seat of your pants
Meaning:
To do something without planning, to change course midstream, to figure things out as you go.
Example:
Most stock investors are not making educated decisions, they are just flying by the seat of their pants.
Origin:
Before airplanes had sophisticated instruments and flight control systems, and even today, planes are piloted by feel. Pilots can feel the reactions of the plane in response to their actions at the controls.
Being the largest point of contact between pilot and plane, most of the feel or feedback comes through the seat of the pants.
If you are "flying by the seat of your pants" your are responding to the feedback received.
See the related "on the fly".
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Pushing the envelope
Meaning:
To approach or exceed known performance boundaries.
Example:
Your performance at work is not exactly pushing the envelope.
Origin:
This expression comes out of the US Air Force test pilot program of the late 1940's.
The envelope refers to a plane's performance capabilities. The limits of the planes ability to fly at speeds and altitudes and under certain stresses define what is known as its performance envelope. It's an "envelope" in the sense that it contains the ranges of the plane's abilities.
"Pushing the envelope" originally meant flying an aircraft at, or even beyond, its known or recommended limits.
Thanks to Kensmark
A safe bet is that many who pushed the envelope crashed.
The expression was popularized by Tom Wolfe in his book "The right stuff" (1979) and later the movie of the same name.
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Wing and a prayer
Meaning:
Hopeful but unlikely to succeed.
Example:
She is driving on a wing and a prayer in that old jalopy.
Origin:
During World War One airplanes were still a novelty and untested in war. A "wing and a prayer" was first uttered when an American flyer came in with a badly damaged wing.
His fellow pilots and mechanics were amazed he didn't crash. He replied he was praying all the way in. Another pilot chimed in that "a wing and a prayer brought you back."
Thanks to Keith R. Dutton______________________________________________________________________